WHEN IT IS OVER……

RJ: What about advice for someone with a broken heart, Ines?

One of my best friends is going through a devastating break up with her boyfriend. They have been together for 2 years and since their first date, they have always done things that lovers do together. Because of this, my friend developed a very strong connection with her guy.

Unfortunately, recently, their relationship was in rough patch and started fighting more and more. Both of them were great people, so I believed them and in their relationship. I thought that things would work out for them. But today my friend, with tears in her eyes, cried and told me that they broke up. I was shocked. I was even outraged when my friend told me the things that her boyfriend said when they broke up. He said that he “could easily find someone new…EASILY” and that his relationship with my friend was “not worth it.” And just like that, he broke up with my friend.

Didn’t know what to say to comfort my friend, so I said that “if he said that, then he was a jerk and you deserve much better.”

Going through a break up and losing your love is so hard, and I want to comfort my friend with great advice and cheer her up.

Your career and what you wrote on your blog here show that you are a very thoughtful and strong woman, so I want to seek advice from you. What should I say to my best girlfriend to EMPOWER her in these tough times in her life? Or, do you have any advice for me so in the future I’d know what to feel if I had a bad breakup?

Much love,

RJ

Well RJ, I feel for your friend and I hope I can be of some help for her to survive her break-up. These are my tips.

Here my message to your friend, I will call it a “Strategy for getting a better day”.

I remember the first time a boy broke my heart, I was 16 and it was during the summer. I would cry in my bed every day, not able to go out. My friends were traveling for the summer and I was left alone in misery. (no internet at that time…). I had nobody to talk to, long phone calls were too expensive.

I remember watching the Olympic games on TV, by myself. I was looking at the athletes competing and thinking -”did they ever experience the pain that I feel inside? How can I survive this”? I felt that nobody could have ever experience the kind of crucifying pain that I had.

Romantic relationships that begin with joy and excitement, can also end with a painful break up. At some point in life, almost everyone will experience the sorrow of a relationship break up. When that happens, only time will heal your wounded heart. The best path through this time involves trying to minimize your anguish while still properly mourning the break up of the relationship.

It is perfectly understandable to be emotionally down after a relationship break up. You’re moving into a new phase of life. You are moving forward in life without that person that you deeply cared for. If you are sad after a break up, it only means that you found something wonderful in another person and you really miss them. There is nothing wrong with that. Except if that person acts badly when he tells you that it is over. Your boyfriend seems to be Mr Wrong to me, based on what RJ tells me!

Action One: Figure Out Who Is in Your Support Network

One of the first things to do after a relationship break up is to figure out who is going to be in your support network. Think of the friends and family members who really care about you, will listen to you and be there for you when you are struggling. It is very important to have people to talk to. Try to avoid leaning too heavily on any one person, you don’t want to wear them out. You will probably be better off leaning a little on a number of people.

 

Action Two: Remove Reminders Of The Relationship

A relationship break up can be emotionally very painful. Also, remove from your environment, all reminder of your former relationship. The reminder may be seeing a picture, a gift from your former sweetheart or a memento of your relationship. You are going to be in a better frame of mind if you remove these reminders from your sight.

Get a box and pack away anything that has a strong connection to your former sweetheart or your relationship. This includes pictures, love letters, gifts and mementos (both at home and your workplace). Seal the box up with tape and store it where it would be inconvenient to retrieve, such as in the attic, in the garage or in the back of a closet.

If you have pictures and e-mails related to your former relationship, they also should be set aside. You could move those items into a new folder with a benign name like “archive”. You could also transfer the files to a CD and store it in your box.

You should also consider removing your former sweetheart from your mobile phonebook and your e-mail contacts. This is not about being vindictive, it is about removing reminders that may hurt you. Write the information down somewhere so you can retrieve it later, if necessary.

The point of all this is to keep a reminder of your former relationship from shattering a peaceful moment. It also allows you to sort through these items later when you are in a better frame of mind.

 

Action Three: Minimize Contact

At least initially, you should try to minimize contact with your ex-boyfriend. The ultimate goal is to move on with your life. Calling or e-mailing him unnecessarily will likely be unfulfilling and counterproductive. If you are tempted to call your former sweetheart, call one of your friends instead.

 

Action Four: Visit Friends And Relatives

You probably have a number of friends and relatives that you haven’t visited in a while. Now that you are unattached, it may be a good time to make the time to plan a visit. This helps you reconnect with the people you care about and the change of environment can help get your mind off your former relationship.

 

Action Five: Don’t Date Immediately After A Break Up

After a relationship break up, don’t be in a rush to start dating again. Until you have properly mourned your past relationship and gotten past the sorrow, your head won’t be in a place to make good decisions. In case you missed it the first time, Don’t Date! Any relationship that begins before you have emotionally dealt with the failed relationship will just be a rebound relationship. Plus if your boyfriend was verbally abusive when he broke up, i imagine that you might feel not confident and you should never start a relationship with a low self-esteem.

 

Action Six: Learn Something From The Relationship

As you start to develop some emotional distance, spend some time thoughtfully considering your failed relationship. What were your shortcomings? What were your failures? What could you have done better? Did you make some compromises that, in hindsight, were ill-advised? What have you learned from the relationship? What are you going to do in the future to give your next relationship a better chance for success? You made a big personal and emotional investment in a relationship that ultimately failed. I think it is really important to learn something from your experience.

Action Seven: You will be Okay!

There can be some really dark days after a relationship break up. There are people who really care about you. Reach out to them.

Getting over a break up takes time. Try to always remember, with time, there will be better days.

Be strong. Think about Mr Right that you will be meeting soon in your life.

Love, ines